Hydrogen Tuberculosis Evangelion
by VERY VERY BAD WRITER
Summary: Shinji gets involved in many more ridiculous situations than he would like to. I suck at summaries, R&R.
1. The Apple of Intelligence

**Hydrogen Tuberculosis Evangelion**

**Chapter 1: The Apple of Intelligence**

x-x-x-x-x

"So that's what we'll do," Toji said to his two fellow stooges as they walked into Class 2-A. "There's no backing out on the plan now, not after what you did to me."

Shinji blinked. "What did we do to you?"

Toji crossed his arms. "You see, Kensuke stole all of my porn and took it to his house to satisfy himself. When he was done with it, he apparently slipped it under the door into Misato-san's apartment, thinking you, Shin-dude, would like to take a look at my pornography."

Shinji frowned. As much of a pervert as he was, he wouldn't jack off to porn magazines. "So how's that my fault?" He asked. "I didn't lay a finger on them."

The three stooges stood near each other as Toji sat down in his seat. "Misato-san proceeded to feed my porn magazines to her penguin, Pen-Pen. You could have stopped her, Shin-man. Now my hormones will not be satisfied without my stash."

"Misato-san fed your porn magazines to her penguin?" Kensuke asked, bewildered. "That's not very healthy at all. Why would she do that?"

Shinji shrugged. "She was probably drunk. It's everyday behavior for her."

Hikari could have sworn she heard the boys talking about porn. Surely Toji, her secret crush, wouldn't try to satisfy himself that way? She watched Toji for a moment as he whispered something to Shinji and Kensuke, who were making their way back to their respective seats. She shook her head and dismissed the ridiculous thought of Toji liking porn as Sensei made his way into the room. She began the usual procedure.

"Stand! Bow! Sit down!"

Sensei sat in his seat at the front of the classroom and began droning on about Second Impact. Hikari took notes as the majority of the class went back to taking naps and drooling on the desks. It's a good thing she was the class representative, otherwise this class would probably have a worse reputation than it already does. She was probably the only one here who actually paid a decent amount of attention. Maybe one day someone else with an adequete attention span would join this class. Perhaps a redhead from Germany. That would be nice.

Shinji had nervously set his eyes upon a red apple that waited on Sensei's desk. He stirred nervously as if it would lash out and bite him. There was no way he was getting close to that apple with Hikari watching the front of the room - walking around during class was prohibited. He turned around and made eye contact with Toji, who nodded.

"Hikari," someone whispered from the back of the room. Hikari turned around and saw Toji smiling at him. God, he's sexy. Hikari smiled back and they continued to do that for what felt like hours. A few of the random kids that weren't drooling or asleep thought the two of them were having a lighthearted staring contest, which was odd since Hikari usually spends her class time doing more productive and boring things.

Meanwhile, Shinji and Kensuke got up from their seats, assured that Hikari wasn't going to notice and brutally murder them when they stood up straight. The two of them then proceeded to walk up to Sensei's desk. The kids watching the alleged staring contest turned their attention towards the two kids who were breaking the rules by walking up to the front of the classroom during a lecture. Whispers began to erupt throughout the room.

"What are they doing?" "Oooh, are they going on strike?" "Hey, do you think they are going to change the subject from Second Impact to something more exciting?" "Tomorrow's my birthday!"

Once getting beyond the desks, Shinji and Kensuke broke the school record of how far someone walked during class before getting pounced by the class representative. The daydreaming kids stopped drooling and stared in wonderment. The sleeping kids somehow sensed this and drowsily awoke. Even Rei Ayanami had turned her attention from the window to witness this phenomenon.

Once the two stooges reached the desk, Kensuke retreated to the far left of the room and pressed against the wall. In his nearsightedness, Sensei only saw Shinji, who stood to the immediate right of him.

"If you wanted something, Ikari Shinji, you should have raised your hand instead of walking all the way up here," Sensei said, glaring at the young boy, although said boy didn't notice this because Sensei's eyes were squinting too tightly all of the time to notice such a glare.

"Oh no, Sensei, I wanted to show you something," said Shinji, who was smiling. "Here, take a look at this picture of a duck." The adolscent held up a framed picture of a brown duck swimming in a pond.

Sensei raised a gray eyebrow. "And what exactly does this have to do with Second Impact?"

Shinji gulped. Everyone in the classroom was watching him, bar Hikari and Toji. "Well..." he began as Kensuke began to sneak towards the apple, "The ducks, they, uh... their habitats were affected significantly when Second Impact happened. This caused them to migrate into... people's houses, where they stabbed people in the eyes for meat. They also adapted to, uh, the infinite summer and got the ability to breathe fire. The ducks ended up killing a significant amount of the Earth's human population."

Sensei simlpy sat for a moment, as if dumbfounded by this intake of false information. Shinji was afraid that Sensei wouldn't believe him. He steeled himself and stood his ground as Kensuke closed a hand around the apple. The class was dead silent. It was all Shinji could do to keep his eyes locked with Sensei's.

"Ikari Shinji..." Sensei said. What's going to happen now? Detention? "Why don't the ducks we see today breathe fire like you described them to?"

Shinji almost stumbled from surprise. He didn't expect Sensei to actually believe him. "Uh..." Shinji gathered his thoughts. "The contact with water over the years caused the ducks to merely breathe smoke, and then eventually nothing. By the year 2010, ducks were completely normal again, back to the way they were before Second Impact." Shinji nodded to no one in particular, confirming himself. "Yes, yes, it's all very fascinating, the way these ducks have evolved over the years."

Sensei smiled. "Thank you for sharing that fascinating tidbit about post-Second Impact ducks, Ikari Shinji. You may take a seat." Kensuke had already taken the apple from Sensei's desk and put it into his pocket as the two stooges made their way back to their desks. Shinji nearly sighed from relief. Flawless victory. That was almost too easy.

Sensei returned to the subject of Second Impact as if nothing had happened. He did not notice that his apple was gone. Shinji wondered if he would care if he noticed.

Hikari and Toji were still smiling at each other, completely oblivious to what had happened. The students in the classroom whispered to each other, pointing to Shinji and Kensuke.

Needless to say, the stunts that the three stooges had pulled that class were the talk of the school that day.

x-x-x-x-x

School had ended for the day and Shinji, Kensuke, and Toji were walking home from school.

"Finally," Toji said. "Give me that apple and then I'll forgive you for the digested porn incident."

Kensuke complied, dug the apple out of his pocket, and gave it to him.

"Ah, yes," Toji said. "When I eat this apple, I'll finally be smart enough so I can diss Sensei whenever I want and I'll never have to listen to class again!"

"I thought you were already going along the route of never listening," Kensuke taunted. "You and Hikari had your eyes glued to each other throughout lunch time."

"Oh, shut up," snorted Toji, who was beginning to nonchalantly take a bite out of the apple as if he did that every day, which he sort of did. This specific apple is no ordinary apple, though.

Toji's hand slipped out of excitement and the entire apple slid down his throat and got stuck halfway through, causing him to begin choking. "Help..." he wheezed.

Shinji took his fist and shoved it down Toji's throat, causing the apple to fall all of the way down into Toji's stomach. It took a bit of Kensuke's help to pry the fist from the retching jock's mouth.

"I always wanted to do that," Shinji said as he wiped Toji's saliva on Kensuke's face, which wrinkled it's nose in disgust.

Once Toji had finished gasping for air, he looked upwards towards the blue sky as if admiring nature. His eyes almost seemed to glow in the sunlight. "I'll say," he said, beginning to walk the shortest route to his house. "It's a mighty fine day for a nice tea outside on my roof. Come along, let us naturally inject nutrition into our systems."

Shinji and Kensuke exchanged glances before following Toji.

x-x-x-x-x

"The Third Angel is scheduled to arrive today," said Ritsuko.

"Hooray!" Exclaimed Misato. "We finally get to kill something with our Evangelion! THERE WILL BE SO MUCH BLOOD! SWEET REVENGE!"

"Evangelions," Ritsuko corrected her. "We still need to find the pilot for Unit-01. With all of her bandages, Rei is incapable of piloting Unit-00. The Commander wants his son to pilot Unit-01."

"Aha," Misato said, turning to leave. "I will find Shinji-kun before he gets back to my apartment. I want this exciting revelation to be as surprising as possible."

Ritsuko nodded. "Good. We need as much time as we can to prepare him, anyways. The sooner he's here, the better. Good luck finding him."

Misato left the Geofront and hopped into her car. She activated her GPS and selected the destination labeled "Shinji-kun." Thanks to the satellites, she would be able to drive her car straight to him. Perfect.

x-x-x-x-x

Toji seemed to be taking a very peculiar route, knocking over fences and walking through people's back yards. Despite Shinji and Kensuke's protests, he continued along his current route.

"Hush, please," requested the intelligent Toji as he put his foot against a tall fence, knocking it down so he could continue on his way. "I know what I'm doing. You two clearly don't, so don't question me."

Kensuke looked at Shinji and tapped his head while rolling his eyes. However, Shinji didn't notice because he was looking beyond Toji with a worried look on his face. Kensuke soon found out why.

Toji was walking straight towards the wall of someone's house.

x-x-x-x-x

Misato stopped her car. According to the GPS, Shinji was somewhere inside the house in front of her. "Hah," snickered Misato. "Does he think he can hide from me? There's no escaping NERV!"

Misato reversed her gears, backed up her car, set the gear to forward again, and then floored the gas pedal. Her car zoomed towards the house and smashed through it. The majority of the front wall of the house collapsed forwards out onto the street, leaving a lot of rubble laying around and dust floating about.

A girl that was in the kitchen washing the dishes screamed. She turned to the wreckage and saw the car that caused the destruction of the front of her house. "WHO ARE YOU, AND WHY ARE YOU IN MY HOUSE?"

"I was looking for Shinji-kun," Misato explained. "Just where are you hiding him? I am Lieutenant Misato Katsuragi of NERV. You can't mess with me!"

"WHY WOULD SHINJI BE IN MY HOUSE? I'M HIKARI HORAKI FOR GOD'S SAKE! HE BARELY EVEN TALKS TO ME AND HE HAS NEVER SET FOOT IN MY HOUSE IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE!"

"Oh... I owe you my sincerest apologies," said a pouting Misato. She switched gears and was about to put her foot on the pedal when a small part of the left side of the house collapsed. Toji Suzuhara marched straight through the resulting hole that he had created.

Hikari Horaki was thunderstruck. "What... TOJI? What are you doing here?"

"I am simply walking along the most convenient route to my house," Toji explained.

"YOU CALL THIS CONVENIENT?" Hikari shouted angrily, pointing at the hole he made in the left side of her house. Toji's two stooge-friends peeked in through the hole and decided to walk in.

"AGH, WHAT IS EVERYONE DOING IN MY HOUSE?"

Shinji and Kensuke stopped beside Toji. "We're sorry, Toji's changed a bit lately," Shinji said, looking at the floor, feeling truly sorry for what Toji did to the side of Hikari's house. It was only when Shinji looked through the living room that he realized the whole front of her house had been destroyed as well. He caught sight of Misato in her car, which was sitting on top of a very ruffled rug. "Umm... Misato?"

"Aha, Shinji-kun!" Misato said, winking and waving cheerily as if she did nothing wrong.

"YOU KNOW HER?" Hikari rhetorically shouted. "JUST WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?"

"Shinji-kun, you are the pilot of Evangelion Unit-01. You will defend Tokyo-3 from Angels." Shinji blinked. "I'll explain everything when we get to NERV. Hop in!" Misato pulled Shinji into her car before he could protest. She drove away somewhat irresponsibly, leaving Hikari, Toji, Kensuke in a house that was more tidy than ruins just a minute ago.

Hikari shook her head in disbelief.

"I'll say," Toji said as he walked towards the right-hand wall of Hikari's house. "I've a tea party to set up. Goodbye, and don't hurt yourself."

Toji walked straight through the right side of the house, leaving another rather large hole. Kensuke could only give Hikari a sympathetic look of sorrow before running after Toji.

Hikari frowned, observing the recent changes of her house. "This is a mess I can't clean up. Mom is not going to be happy about this..."

x-x-x-x-x

"I brought him here safe and sound!" Misato said, displaying a large grin as she put her arm around a very confused boy's shoulder. "I definitely didn't destroy any houses in the process! Honest!"

Ritsuko, of course, knew this meant that Misato did indeed destroy a house or two. She's known her colleague since college to know the reckless woman's typical behavior and considered herself lucky that Misato didn't end up causing a power outage or completely obliterating an array of warehouses.

"Alright, Ikari Shinji," Ritsuko said. "We don't know very much about the Angels, but you need to know a lot about the Evangelions. Follow me and make yourself comfortable, we may or may not be talking for a while."

Shinji just nodded, knowing he could only play along. He followed the faux blonde through the Geofront and braced himself for a long talk.

x-x-x-x-x

Things had gone mostly smoothly after the incident with Hikari and her house - Kensuke and Toji had arrived at Toji's house in a surprisingly short time. Even after Toji had knocked over so many fences and other things with the weight of his body, he didn't seem to have a scratch. Kensuke, on the other hand, was pretty ragged because he and Toji got attacked by a group of bears as they walked through a small forest near Toji's house. He recalled the scene painfully...

"TOJI!" Kensuke screamed as three bears jumped out of the trees and surrounded Toji. Kensuke didn't have time to wonder why or how the bears got up into the trees in the first place because the bears were pulling their claws back to attack Toji.

"I'll say," Toji said, "you bears are not well-mannered. You all deserve some punishment in the backside." Toji took a stick and sharply shoved it up one bear's anus as the other two bears swiped their claws, which he ducked under. The two claws hit each other, and from a distance, it looked as if two really fat and hairy naked guys were giving each other a high-five.

The bear that got a stick shoved up it's butt collapsed onto the ground, dead. This consequently pissed the other two bears off, so they charged at Toji, who simply stepped out of the way. The two bears collided head-on and they both passed out.

Kensuke ran to congratulate Toji when a fourth bear jumped out of one of the trees, did several flips in the air, and landed in front of Kensuke in a battle stance. _Teenage Mutant Ninja Bears,_ Kensuke thought. He was surprised he could still have such ridiculous thoughts at times like these.

The bear scratched my arms twice, but Toji poked it with a very sharp stick and it died.

Kensuke, now on the roof with Toji, couldn't believe he was still alive. He recalled their plan to get Sensei's apple. It seemed so simple. Toji distracted Hikari so Shinji could distract Sensei so Kensuke could get Sensei's apple so Toji could eat it. However, he hadn't anticipated Toji to have such a drastic change in behavior. Kensuke thought Toji would just become smarter. He had to change Toji back to normal before Toji ended up wrecking more houses. But... how?

"Ah," Toji said. "Don't you like the view? I think it's nice."

Kensuke agreed. "Yes, it's very nice, but trying to have a tea party on the roof is kind of uncomfortable." He silently cursed himself when he accidentally let a cup roll off of the roof and shatter on the pavement below.

"Oh, I see," Toji said, "and yet, we have to pay such prices to get such views of the world. For instance, I'm kind of crushing my nuts when sitting on the crease of the roof." Kensuke had to hold his hand over his mouth to stop himself from laughing. So maybe this Toji wasn't too far away from his original behavior after all, although he was still reckless. Kensuke decided to see how things would fold out over the next school day or two. Surely by the end of school tomorrow, he would have a plan to get Toji back to normal.

x-x-x-x-x

"... and that's all the ins and outs you need to know about the Angels and Evangelions," Ritsuko finished. Shinji nodded. It was good to hear that he was going to be working with Rei, although she was incapable of piloting at the moment. This was his opprotunity to prove to his friends that he was capable of getting laid - they thought he would never even get a girlfriend. They can think that all they want; they're the ones who get their satisfaction from porn magazines, after all. Soon, Shinji would finally get the chance to approach Rei and give his friends a surprise.

After Shinji changed into his plugsuit, Ritsuko checked her watch. "The Angel is scheduled to arrive in five minutes." Shinji swallowed nervously and clambered into the entry plug of Unit-01. He sat down and waited patiently. This could be the last five minutes of his life.

Shinji waited five minutes. Then ten more. Then fifteen more.

Misato, who was nearby and eagerly awaiting the launch of Unit-01, was getting impatient. "For God's sake, the Angel is running very late! It's certainly taking it's sweet-ass time! I want to see some vengeful blood already!"

Shinji knew he would probably be waiting for a while.

x-x-x-x-x

Kensuke was glad to get away from Toji after finally finishing the ridiculous half-hour tea party. Toji was beginning to get quite eccentric, but somehow Kensuke found this normal; the day has been eccentric in itself, what with the whole apple incident and Misato whisking Shinji away.

Kensuke concluded from what Misato said to Shinji before he was yanked into her car that Shinji's a Pilot now, piloting those Evangelions. "I'M SO JEALOUS OF HIM!" Kensuke yelled to no one in particular. He looked around and realized no one was nearby. Why? He was heading out to the beach and there are usually a lot of people around.

When Kensuke reached the beach, he found out why. A huge amphibious thing was almost completely stuck in the sand. It's head and shoulders were poking out. It had a face shaped like the skeleton structure of a bird's face. Kensuke knew what this was. It was an Angel.

Before Kensuke managed to take out his video camera, several VTOL flew overhead and began firing missiles at the Angel. Kensuke stumbled backwards and ran with his video camera in action.

"It's about time we found it," one VTOL said, "but you just have to wonder what it's doing with the sand up to it's shoulders when it could be doing more effective things like wrecking abandoned cities."

Apparently all of the explosions were pissing the Angel, Sachiel, off, so it yanked one of its arms out of the sand and extended a long beam of pink light at the small fleet of VTOL, destroying it. Apparently satisfied, the Angel's arm retreated back into the sand. Regardless, Kensuke kept running.

x-x-x-x-x

Gendo Ikari sat in the middle of a circle of SEELE monoliths, waiting for them to find something to badger him about.

"Ikari," SEELE 06 began, "one of your employees was rampaging recklessly around Tokyo-3 earlier today. A young girl's house got wrecked. How do you expect to be able to carry out a plan for Third Impact when the majority of your employees are psychopaths that are out for blood and destruction?"

Gendo folded his hands into The Pose (TM). "You are talking about Misato Katsuragi, correct?"

"How did you know?" SEELE 08 asked. "If you know about her potential recklessness, why don't you make an effort to stop her? You're being useless."

Gendo's lips curved into a smile behind his folded hands. "You see, I have much better things to do than scold NERV staff."

"Like what?" SEELE 06 questioned.

"Like trying to come up with The Pose 2 (TM)," Gendo explained. "It involves my hands still folded in the original The Pose (TM), but I'm standing on my head. It's quite difficult to do a handstand without your hands, but then again, it wouldn't be a handstand, would it? I suppose you could call it a headstand."

The monoliths were silent for a moment until SEELE 04 decided it was his turn to badger Gendo.

"FUCK YO' SHIT!" SEELE 04 screamed. "IF YOU WANNA MESS WID' US, BRO, YOU OUGHTA GO FUCK A MOTHERFUCKIN' PAPER CLIP! BUT NO, YOU AIN'T GONNA DO THAT, BRO. YOU AIN'T EVER GONNA FUCK NOTHIN' 'CUZ YOU AIN'T GOT NO DICK."

A chorus of "Oooh"s rang out among the monoliths.

"Err... yeah," SEELE 02 agreed once everyone was silent again. "You must make yourself useful, Ikari."

Gendo blinked. "Wait a minute... If I don't have a dick, how did I fuck Yui Ikari?"

SEELE 04 had to think for a moment before retorting, "YOU MUSTA TAKEN SOME SPERM THAT'S GOT YO' GENES AND YOU INJECTED THEM UP YUI'S ASS USING A RUSTY SYRINGE!"

"Where's the satisfaction in that?" Gendo asked. "And besides, where would I get such genetically accurate semen?"

SEELE 04 was silent, knowing that Gendo had beaten him.

"Fuck this," SEELE 02 said, flickering for a few seconds before completely fading away.

The rest of the monoliths agreed and disappeared. All of them except SEELE 01.

"Don't fuck this up, Gendo," SEELE 01 sneered. "If you do, we'll rip your tiny dick off."

Gendo snickered into his crossed hands as SEELE 01 disappeared.

Silly old men.

x-x-x-x-x

Shinji had been sitting in Unit-01's entry plug for a total time of an hour and a half.

"It's official," Misato said. "The Angel is too much of a lazy ass to get out of the sand right now. Our militarized weapons can't hurt it and its core is buried in so much sand that an Eva couldn't reach it. I suppose the only thing we can do now is wait. Shinji, you might as well leave the entry plug. If anything happens, it'll probably happen tomorrow. Let's go back to my apartment."

Shinji nodded, clambering out of the entry plug. He and Misato opened the door that lead out when they found themselves face-to-face with the heavily bandaged Rei Ayanami.

"What are you doing here, Ayanami?" Shinji wondered.

"I came to bring Misato-san some pizza," Rei said, wearing her usual neutral expression on her face. "I figured she'd like it after waiting in the Eva cages for about an hour and a half."

Misato gave a wide, dazzling smile as she accepted the pizza from Rei. "Thank you," Misato chired happily. Rei said nothing as she turned and walked along the route towards the exit of the Geofront.

Apparently Misato was ravenous as she tore open the pizza box and almost instantaneously took a bite of the plain cheese pizza. "May I have some, Misato-san?" Shinji asked as Misato chewed.

Misato began to nod but suddenly stopped and collapsed onto the floor.

Shinji rushed over to Misato and stood above her, shaking her. "Misato-san!" Shinji pleaded. "Misato-san! Misato-san!" Was the pizza made by an awful cook or had Rei tried to poison Misato for some reason?

Shinji's question was answered when two men in black walked into the room and picked up Misato and carried her away, despite Shinji's protesting. He found himself alone in the Eva cages, where he sat for several dumbfounded minutes. Eventually Shinji got himself together and entered Misato's apartment alone.

All she wanted was pizza.

x-x-x-x-x

"Thank you, Rei," Gendo said as he tied Misato to a post. Rei simply nodded and exited his office through the elevator.

Misato's eyelids flickered as she woke up to Gendo's twisted face.

"You," Gendo said, pointing a finger very close to Misato's eyes. "Because of the destruction you caused to a certain adolescent's house, I will now keep you tied to a post for a month without food and water."

"A month?" Misato gaped. "I'll die!"

"Exactly my point," Gendo said, folding his hands into The Pose (TM). "Because of your antics, SEELE has decided to fuck with me. Now I'll fuck with you."

Misato groaned. Gendo takes the flapping mouths of SEELE too seriously.

x-x-x-x-x

The next day at school, Shinji decided to approach Rei about the pizza incident. "Why did you give Misato-san the poisoned pizza?" He asked Rei, who was sitting at her desk.

Rei looked up at Shinji with her one non-bandaged eye. "I did it because the Commander told me to."

Shinji frowned. "So basically, you'd do anything he says?"

Rei nodded. "I'm a doll," she said bluntly.

Shinji's frown deepened. Such a beautiful girl was becoming one of the bastard king's brainwashed minions. He had to do something about this once school got out for the day. "Well, I'll see you later, Ayanami," Shinji said as he walked away from Rei's desk.

Kensuke was sitting at the back of the classroom alone. Both Hikari and Toji were absent.

"Where's Toji?" Shinji asked Kensuke. He already knew that Hikari probably wasn't coming to school for a while due to the whole incident with her house.

"He said he was too intelligent to come to school," Kensuke explained. "I hope he actually starts coming again. He could get into trouble if he's absent for too long."

Shinji nodded in agreement as Sensei walked into the room. Sensei's apple was still missing from it's original spot on his desk. There was no class representative around today to begin the usual routine, but people sat in their places anyways.

"Good morning class," said Sensei, beginning today's lesson on a certain school subject. "It appears the class representative is absent. How unfortunate. Maybe she died." Sensei cackled, causing the entire class, including Rei, to stare at him in surprise. They'd never seen a teacher wish illness upon a student.

"Err, S-S-Sensei," a random girl nervously stuttered, "is something w-wrong?"

"I feel like I forgot to do something apple-related yesterday," Sensei said, "but let's not worry about that now. Let's heighten our spirits and get onto the subject of Second Impact!"

The entire class focused it's attention on Sensei, waiting for more odd behavior to arise. Never before had Second Impact class gotten them all so interested in something.

"So," Sensei began, "for two weeks after Second Impact occured, the world's temperature rapidly-WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE APPLE THAT HAS RESIDED ON MY DESK FOR FOUR YEARS?"

In three seconds, the class turned its attention towards Shinji and Kensuke like they were very bright and shiny beacons.

Sensei pointed an accusing finger at Shinji. "You..." Sensei snarled. "You had something to do with this, didn't you?" Sensei's eyes began to glow red as he prepared to shoot lasers.

Oh shit.

x-x-x-x-x

**-A/N-**

**Despite this chapter being less funny than I would have liked it to, I think it's a pretty good start. The next chapter will be much funnier, I promise!**

**Whether you love or hate what there is of this fanfic so far, please review!**


	2. Attack of the Ducks

**Hydrogen Tuberculosis Evangelion**

**Chapter 2: Attack of the Ducks**

x-x-x-x-x

Sensei was going completely apeshit, shooting red lasers out of his eyes and running around the front of the room with both arms up in the air. "YOU CANNOT ESCAPE ME!" He screamed.

The majority of class 2-A had managed to escape through the door, but Sensei had realized this and shot a laser just above the door, causing several ceiling panels to collapse and block the doorway. Shinji, Rei, Kensuke, and a few other random kids in Class 2-A were still trapped inside of the classroom.

Sensei picked up Kensuke by the collar. "YOU WERE INVOLVED IN THE APPLE INCIDENT WITH IKARI SHINJI! I CAN _SMELL_ IT!" Kensuke blinked. Sensei then proceeded to use his laser eyes to blast Kensuke, causing him to collapse onto the floor.

"KENSUKE!" Shinji cried. He looked desperately for a way out. The remainder of the random kids were escaping through a ventilation shaft, which Sensei blocked off behind them by somehow shoving his desk up inside of its entrance.

Sensei let out an almighty guttural roar and turned to Shinji, who paled. The viscous gray-haired teacher proceeded to charge at the terrified student who couldn't get himself to move. However, Sensei tripped over a conveniently placed pencil and flew past Shinji, crashing face-first into the wall at the back of the classroom. Groaning, the Second Impact teacher rubbed the back of his head and began to climb back up to his feet.

The windows were the last exit. Rei was trying to pry a window open, but it was proving to be quite difficult with one arm in a sling. Shinji half ran, half stumbled over to the window, and with three hands, the window opened enough for the two kids to scramble outside.

Rei and Shinji fell out of the window just before Sensei had tried to grab for their legs. "Rats," he said. "At least I got one hostage. For now, I'll look for my apple, and then I will wreak havoc upon Tokyo-3." Sensei picked up Kensuke and incinerated the debris blocking the classroom's doorway with his laser eyes, proceeding to walk through it.

"That was close," Rei breathed as she and Shinji clambered to their feet.

"No shit, sherlock," Shinji said as his skin began to return to it's normal color.

Rei blinked. "I'm not Sherlock."

Shinji sighed. Ayanami was too much of a concrete and straight-to-the-point thinker. "You know what I mean."

Rei raised a blue eyebrow. "I do?"

"Yes."

"That's odd, because I don't think I know what you mean, and yet, you're telling me I do."

Shinji scratched his head. "You're confusing me."

"I suppose you could say I confuse a lot of people," Rei said.

Shinji smiled. "Your confusingness is one of the reasons why I like you." He thought he saw a ghost of a blush on Rei's face for a moment before she looked panicked and pointed at something behind Shinji. "What?" He asked, turning around and saw what Rei was pointing at.

Ducks. Thousands of them. They were all waddling towards the two introverts.

"They're the viscous Second Impact ducks you were talking about yesterday," Rei breathed. "They're out for our blood."

Shinji shrugged. "They weren't real, Rei. I made everything up." He still wondered what all of the ducks were doing here, though.

"Those ducks did actually exist," Rei said. "Sensei may be a nearsighted psychopath, but he's no fool. He knew those ducks existed, and he let you talk because it was the first time in years that a student had taught the class something related to Second Impact."

The ducks were mere yards away - Shinji could clearly see their crimson feathers and their glowing yellow eyes. There was smoke rising out of most of their bills. "Well then," he said, "let's get out of here before we become duck food."

Rei looked up at the window of the classroom they had left, which was several feet above their heads. "Only one of us can get back into the classroom and escape the ducks," she said. "I would try to help you back up, but one of my arms is in a sling, so I can't really help you there."

"Uh," Shinji said, his voice getting panicky as the ducks drew closer, "I'll have to make you go, then! Get help, hurry!"

Rei nodded as she carefully climbed onto Shinji's shaking hands. He lifted her upwards to the window and took the opprotunity to get a glimpse of her panties. The moment Rei climbed back through the window, Shinji considered instantly sitting down to begin fapping, but that wouldn't be a very good idea when there are very deadly ducks waddling towards you.

Regardless, Shinji sat down and began masturbating anyways. A second after he began his dirty work, the ducks covered him in a flurry of wings and began pecking the poor peverted boy. One duck burnt the mass with it's flame breath for good measure.

A few minutes later, Rei got back to Shinji with an army of random kids from the school (who had agreed to call themselves the "Anti-Duck Cult"). However, the ducks were already gone. Shinji was quite mortally wounded and his pants were a bit loose for some reason.

Rei agreed to call an ambulance.

x-x-x-x-x

"I'll say, this should make up for my damage," Toji said. He had helped patch up the holes in Hikari's house with wooden boards, which were nailed together sloppily. When looked at from the outside, the house looked like it had been a victim of a drunk who had been nailing boards around random spots. It was ugly, but Hikari admitted it was better than it was.

Hikari finally began to relax until she heard fire crackling accompanied by some sort of electric buzzing sound. She looked at the wood planks at the front of the house. A hole began to burn in them as the wood around the hole became charred black and turned to ash.

Much to her surprise, Sensei stepped through the growing hole of fire. She stepped back. "Sensei?" He didn't answer he as he walked past her and through her living room. She turned and watched as he walked towards Toji.

"So, you're the one who ate my apple," Sensei accused. "I suppose you think you're clever."

"I am," Toji confirmed. He was startled when Sensei grabbed his jaw and forced him to open his mouth. Sensei punched Toji in the stomach, causing him to vomit out some mushy red thing.

"Here it is," said Sensei. "Finally." He then took the somewhat digested apple and ate it himself.

"Now that's just unsanitary," Hikari said, peeking around the corner into the living room. She had to grab onto the side of the doorway to stop herself from doubling over and retching at the thought of various digestive acids passing between the two males.

"Shut up, you!" Sensei shot a laser at Hikari, causing her to pass out in a similar manner to Kensuke.

Toji winced. "I'm never eating an apple again," he said before Sensei repeated his knockout technique on him. The burning hole in the front of the house had continued to grow. Sensei picked up Toji and Hikari and carried them out of the house where the unconscious Kensuke was waiting. _Three hostages are better than one,_ he thought as Hikari's house burned down. _After I lock up my hostages, Tokyo-3 will face my wrath._

x-x-x-x-x

Ritsuko was content in her office until Maya burst through the door, still in her pajamas and panting. For some reason, she had rushed to the Geofront an hour before she was supposed to come to work and she didn't even have time to change into her uniform. "Sempai!" She gasped.

"What's wrong?" Ritsuko asked.

"Tokyo-3 is under siege by carnivorous ducks!"

"What?" Ritsuko nearly fell out of her chair. "I thought they were extinct since 2010!"

Maya shrugged. "I don't know how they came back. There are _thousands_ of them. I think humans are responsible for this. Speaking of humans, there's some old guy with laser eyes going on a rampage, but he's not really the priority target right now. The ducks are melting the Geofront with their flame breath as we speak!"

"Yes," Ritsuko agreed, "we should focus on getting rid of the ducks. Let's head to the bridge!"

x-x-x-x-x

Sensei entered the school once again, carrying the three kids using his strength that would make most strong dudes shrink back in fear. He shot lasers at any ducks or kids who dared get in his way. Many of the teachers had given Sensei odd and sometimes threatening looks, but once meeting Sensei's eyes they backed off. Almost everyone seemed to try to avoid him altogether.

After a few minutes of navigating the winding hallways of the school, Sensei used his key to unlock an empty classroom and threw his three hostages inside. He added a few precautions to make sure they couldn't get out any of the not-so-obvious exits. Locking the door, he was satisfied with his hostages.

Now it was time to get his revenge against Tokyo-3 for putting his apple into jeopardy.

x-x-x-x-x

"So you say you got mauled by ducks while you were masturbating?" The nurse scoffed as he equipped Shinji with bandages. "BULLSHIT!"

"Well, it happened," Shinji groaned. The nurse shook his head, but jumped when a crimson-feathered duck landed on the windowsill and fearlessly quacked. The duck and the nurse met each other's eyes. The duck's glowing yellow eyes flared for a second before it unsuccessfully attempted to break the window by pecking against it. It gave up after a little while and flew off.

The nurse shrugged, frowning. "Alright, now I guess I believe you. I've been hearing things about these ducks turning Tokyo-3 upside-down. I thought it was just some running joke. I've hardly seen any ducks around here. See for yourself." The nurse looked out the window and almost fainted. "Umm..."

Shinji used his one good arm to help himself sit up and look out the window. There were several dozen ducks marching towards the hospital. "Those ducks weren't there before. I think they want something from you."

"I think you're right," Shinji said. "The ducks seem to want me dead. They know that I'm the pilot of Unit-01 or something. So, uh, I guess I should get out of here before the ducks wreck this hospital trying to get to me."

The nurse agreed. "That's a good idea if you think you've had enough rest. I've done pretty much everything I could do for you."

"I'll be fine," Shinji assured the nurse as he went out the door. Rei was waiting just outside the door. "Aha, so we're both cripples now."

Rei nodded. When the two of them are compared, it's apparent that they coincidentally both got bandages in the same places. Or maybe they just got the same nurse. "It's nice to see that you are well."

"Yeah. The ducks are coming for me," Shinji said. "We must move."

The Anti-Duck Cult was positioned outside of the hospital, ready to fight the ducks with their arsenal, which included plungers, kitchen knives, spears, and axes. "It would be convenient if we had real weapons like guns," one of the kids said, eying a plunger. "Oh well. CHARGE!"

The Anti-Duck Cult charged towards the ducks yelling various battle cries.

x-x-x-x-x

Gendo watched a screen that displayed live footage of the insanity that was befalling Tokyo-3. Audio was turned off because the only sound that would be audible would be quacks; everything else would get drowned out.

A duck occupied every free square foot of road there was. The ducks would shoot flames at anyone who dared come close. Ducks not only poured down the streets, but trickled into all of the buildings as well. The far ends of Tokyo-3 that were still safe were flooding with ducks rather quickly. There were many groups of people running to escape the invasion, lest they'd be devoured by the carnivores.

Gendo pressed a button on the monitor and the footage switched to a camera inside of a dimly lit grocery store. A cashier was going about his business, counting his earnings for the day when the door slammed open and deep red ducks poured in, their eyes illuminating the building. The shadows of the ducks were silhouetted against the wall as they ran by, making the whole grocery store feel like a hellish shadow puppet show.

Once the ducks hit the back wall and had nowhere to go, the ducks stopped trickling into the grocery store and began to make their way back to the door, jumping over each other and knocking packages out of the shelves. The entire meat section of the store was the most messy with the ducks breaking the glass and nibbling on whatever they could get at. The cashier flapped his arms in frustration, wanting this madness to come to an end.

Gendo knew that all of this was the handiwork of one of his old inventions: the Duck Factory. It was an old attempt to simulate a lacking Third Impact by having ducks engulf the world in fire. It had only been used once for a few seconds to make sure it works, but then it was shut off again. It was scheduled to activate in the year 3015 to kill all of the traitors who would decide to reject Instrumentality.

The ducks were genetically modified so that their blood lust was especially large for anyone who's come in contact with LCL - we wouldn't want the traitors to fight back with Evangelions, would we?

Gendo realized that a while back he made a typo in the Duck Factory system and made the year 2015 by accident. If SEELE finds out about this...

Gendo pressed the button on the monitor again. The screen displayed an old squinting man in part of Tokyo-3 that only had a few of the deadly ducks around. The man's eyes began to glow red before lasers shot out of them, destroying the foundation of a skyscraper which caused the entire thing to fall over and collapse with a deafening boom (luckily Gendo still had the audio turned off).

Even when Gendo folded his hands into The Pose (TM), it was still hard to hide the worry in his eyes. It was only a matter of time before the ducks breach the Geofront.

_What is going to happen to Tokyo-3?_

_What is going to happen to Terminal Dogma?_

_What is going to happen to Rei?_

Of course, Gendo Ikari didn't think of his son at all because he's a dick like that.

Meanwhile, Misato Katsuragi had managed to get onto the elevator at the back of Gendo's office by hopping with her feet together while still tied to the metal post. She managed to bend over a little bit and used her head to hit a button in the elevator

"Strange," Misato thought aloud as the elevator was moving upwards. "Considering NERV has such high security, you'd think Gendo would actually _secure my post to the floor._"

x-x-x-x-x

"AAAAGH!" Toji shot up, smacking straight into Kensuke. Kensuke's face wasn't necessarily the nicest one to wake up to. "Never do that again!"

"Sorry," Kensuke said, pushing his glasses back up onto his face using his middle finger. Toji caught the subtle gesture and scowled. "So, uh, are you still, you know, 'intelligent?'"

Toji shook his head. "Eating that apple was one of the most stupid things I have ever done. So, anyways... why are we stuck in this classroom and why was I asleep?"

"Sensei knocked all of us unconscious," Kensuke explained. "Now he's locked us in here." He pointed towards the door which Hikari was tampering with to no avail.

Toji snorted. "Ever thought of escaping through the windows?"

Kensuke nodded. "Of course, but they're superglued to the windowsill. Apparently Sensei took some necessary precautions to make sure we're stuck here while he goes around destroying Tokyo-3."

"Ventilation shafts?" Toji suggested.

"Also superglued," Kensuke lamented.

"Floor tiles?"

"I don't think that's even possible."

"Ceiling tiles?"

"Are you kidding?"

"Rain dance?"

"Well..."

"C'mon, we don't have any better ideas! Let's do it!"

x-x-x-x-x

Shinji and Rei ran away from the hospital as fast as their legs would carry them. Apparently the Anti-Duck Cult had actually killed normal ducks instead of the carnivorous ones. Thus, PETA arrested them, completely oblivious to the whole crimson duck incident. The two cripples didn't want to get involved. Later, the kids would eventually be forgiven and released, and one of them will move on to write a famous bestselling novel that will be titled "_I was Arrested by PETA._"

The nearby areas of Tokyo-3 seemed mostly normal. Traffic was bustling and the nearby stores and buildings were running their typical business.

However, when Tokyo-3 was looked at from above, you could see the ocean of ducks slowly spreading across the metropolis like a puddle of blood. Random buildings occasionally fell down for some reason, even in the "normal" areas. The phone lines and wireless internet were offline because they were "sabotaged by a certain water fowl."

The occasional crimson ducks walked around, glaring at bypassers with their sinister yellow eyes. However, none of these stray ducks lived very long because most bypassers kicked them to death.

By now, the news about the ducks had spread all the way across Tokyo-3 (which was why mostly everyone wanted to kill them). The ducks have already gotten past the Geofront, which was where Shinji and Rei were trying to figure out how to get into - these ducks will be no match for their big, shiny Evas!

But now both of the pilots are stuck in bandages. Well, shit. Regardless, they would still be of a little help, right?

x-x-x-x-x

"I say we wait for the pilots to get here," Aoba suggested. "The ducks will be no match for the Evangelions!"

Ritsuko and Maya (who was still in her pajamas) nodded in agreement.

"Surely we can do something productive while we're waiting," Ritsuko said. "We could do something about that potentially dangerous old-"

"Never fear, the Misato is-WHOA!" Misato, still tied to the metal pole, hopped into the control room and slipped on a milk shake where a certain female tech had littered on the floor. She crashed face-first onto Maya's terminal, pressing several buttons.

The restraints on Unit-01 retracted, causing the Evangelion to lose her balance and fall forwards, smashing the catwalk and plopping head-first into the coolant liquid, splashing some of the liquid onto the glass that separated the control room from the Eva cages.

Misato's hair was strewn across the array of buttons. "Sorry," she muttered, putting a hand on the terminal to lever herself back up. Unfortunately, she ended up pressing another button with her hand.

Unit-01's entry plug shot out of the coolant liquid and smashed through the glass. Shards flew everywhere and Ritsuko screamed. One shard found a place in Aoba's shoulder, who convinced himself he was too manly to cry in pain. The entry plug hit the back of the control room and rolled for several feet before finally coming to a stop.

Ritsuko smiled. "How convenient that you have a pole tied to you. Now let's tie that pole to a wall before you can make things any worse."

Misato pouted. "I don't think things can get any worse."

"I guess you're right. I might as well untie you," Ritsuko agreed, undoing the ropes bounding Misato to the pole. "But how did you escape the Commander's office? You were in trouble."

"I can manipulate the rules as much as I want to," chirped a grinning Misato.

"You don't have the authority to do that."

"I actually do. I promoted myself to major."

Ritsuko scowled. "Who do you think you are?"

"Major Misato Katsuragi."

"You can't say that!"

"But that's who I am!"

"You didn't have the authority to promote yourself in the first place!"

"How can you be so sure?"

The two women continued arguing for about five more grueling minutes until the Angel alarm rang. "What?"

A large screen in the control room flickered to life and displayed the Third Angel finally overcoming it's laziness and rising out of the sand in an explosion of particles. Sachiel then proceeded to strut towards Tokyo-3, which was covered with ducks.

"Out of all of the times to attack Tokyo-3, you chose now?" Ritsuko blurted out. "Are you shitting me?"

Misato shook her head. "Things just got worse."

Ritsuko just groaned. Maya turned around in her chair. "Sempai...," she said. "May I have permission to panic?"

Ritsuko looked from Maya to the big screen then back to Maya again. "Well, we're under siege by an invasive species of carnivorous ducks, some old dude with laser eyes is wrecking havoc, and an Angel is about to top all of it off by attacking Tokyo-3 as well. So yes, panic at will."

Maya collapsed out of her seat and began rolling on the ground like she was trying to extinguish a fire that had engulfed her. She cried hysterically and pounded her fists against the floor as she rolled. Ritsuko raised an eyebrow. "Um, that's... you... I... would you please stop doing that?"

Maya looked up at Ritsuko with puppy dog eyes. "I CAN'T STOP NOW!" She resumed carrying out her exclusive type of panic attack.

The faux blonde locked eyes with the raven-haired woman. "Really now, things can't get worse than this. I can't imagine how they-"

Unit-01 rose out of the coolant liquid, turned to face the control room, and let out an almighty roar. "IT'S GOING BERSERK!" Misato shouted with glee.

Ritsuko was terrified. "Idiot! It's angry that you completely submerged it in the coolant!"

Unit-01 picked up Misato and enclosed it's hand around her. "IT'S TOUCHING ME! IT'S ACTUALLY TOUCHING ME! YEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAH!"

Maya continued to roll around on the floor. Aoba had finally snapped and began crying over his wound he had gotten from a glass shard. Hyuga was screaming hysterics due to Misato facing possible death.

"EVERYONE!" Ritsuko said. "WE MUST KEEP ORDER AND SAVE MISATO!" No answer. "BRIDGE BUNNIES, LISTEN TO ME!" Still no answer.

"I THINK IT LIKES ME!" Misato screamed with joy as Unit-01 smacked her in the head repeatedly with it's index finger.

"I'm surrounded by retards," Ritsuko muttered as she turned to exit the control room.

x-x-x-x-x

"This is ridiculous," Hikari protested. "How do you expect a rain dance to get us out of here?"

"Tell me," Toji said, smirking, "do you have any better ideas?"

"No," Hikari admitted.

"Exactly," said Toji. "Let's do this!" He handed Hikari and Kensuke one piece of paper each. "You are supposed to read what is on the paper and dance like me! It's quite simple, really. Are you ready? On the count of 3, let us all begin. 1... 2... 3!"

Hikari, Toji, and Kensuke stood in a line as they did random dances and sang random gibberish.

"_POLEMEU SOHCAHTOA EEKOM BOKUM SCHIM SCHMEM SCHNELL LOCHJA SCHOOK TYOOK PAAOOK POOTIS SINTAM SCHNOPA VIACOM VODKA GEICO_"

Kensuke frowned. _Subliminal advertising?_ The threesome continued to dance and spout random gibberish.

"_MCDONALDS SILENT HILL SPYRO THE DRAGON SUPER MARIO BROTHERS SONIC THE HEDGEHOG UH YEAH I RAN OUT OF IDEAS SORRY KENSUKE SORRY HIKARI BUT I THINK THIS SHOULD WORK LOLZ_"

Once they had finished, the three waited for a moment. Nothing happened.

"I didn't expect that to work anyways," Hikari said, but she was cut short when the door burst open and several crimson ducks rushed into the classroom.

"Uh, Toji, does this have anything to do with that bogus dance that we just did?" Kensuke ask, having never seen the ducks before.

Toji shrugged as the three kids backed into a corner of the classroom as the ducks closed in on them. "I have no idea. It could."

"Well, at least the door is open," Hikari pointed out. "Let's push through these odd ducks and get out of here." The three of them walked towards the ducks, but one breathed fire, making the kids step back. "I don't think they're quite tame."

"Then let's tame them!" Toji blurted out.

Kensuke glared at Toji from the corner of his eye. "Well, aren't you coming up with all sorts of practical ideas?"

x-x-x-x-x

Shinji glared at Rei from the corner of his eye. "Well, aren't you coming up with all sorts of practical ideas?"

"It's the only way I can think of," Rei explained. "We can use this hang glider from the top of this skyscraper to fly into the Geofront without coming into contact with any of the ducks."

Shinji shot a glance behind him towards Sachiel, which was approaching Tokyo-3 quite quickly. "Alright, then. Let's get this over with."

The two cripples clambered under the hang glider to pick it up. Shinji paled when he realized that he could only hang on with one hand. As if she sensed this, Rei reassured him, "We should balance each other if we hang on opposite ends of the hang glider." Shinji nodded and put his one good hand on the right side while Rei put her hand on the left.

Shinji shuffled his feet to the edge of the building and kept himself from looking down. "So," he began, "if I save your life somehow, can you become my girlfriend?"

Rei blinked. "Nah. I can just be replaced."

Shinji raised an eyebrow. "What's that supposed to mean?" He thought for a moment, and then came to a conclusion. "Oh, you suffer from Dissociative Identity Disorder, don't you?"

Rei raised an eyebrow right back at him. "What's that?"

Shinji shrugged. "Never mind. Let's go. On the count of 3. 1... 2... 3!" The two pilots jumped off of the building in perfect sync. The hang glider shot straight downwards, but pulled back up and began flying towards the Geofront. Perfect.

The wind blew in Shinji's face, whipping his hair back. Shinji was laughing. "I FEEL ALIVE! This is so... wuh?"

The hang glider had begun to tilt to the right. Rei had apparently noticed this. "You could use a diet," she said, which was the closest she had ever come to teasing.

"Uh, sorry," Shinji said. "It's no problem, though... is it?"

It was. The hang glider began to spiral out of control.

x-x-x-x-x

"SEELE is bound to find out about it," Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki agreed.

"We can only wait and see," Gendo said.

SEELE 01 flickered to life in front of Gendo. "I can't believe you've been so careless, Ikari. I already explained the consequences to you during our last meeting." Gendo paled. Fuyutsuki had never seen him so worried before. "Stop the ducks, or you will lose more body parts. Dismissed!" SEELE 01 disappeared as quickly as it had came into existence.

Now the ducks were not on Gendo's mind. He knew he had to fuck as many things as he could because this was his last chance.

Gendo rose from his seat and desperately beckoned Fuyutsuki with his finger. "Come here."

"Goodbye," Fuyutsuki said, walking into the elevator which had opened and contained Ritsuko.

"Wait! No!" Gendo called to the Sub-Commander. The elevator doors closed as Ritsuko walked out of it. At least now he had an actual female.

"Commander," Ritsuko began, "our situation is desperate. The ducks are invading rapidly, but haven't breached the Geofront yet. A Sensei from your son's school is burning things down with his laser vision. The Third Angel has awoken and is approaching Tokyo-3. Above all, Unit-01 is going berserk inside the Geofront!"

"Who cares?" Gendo sputtered. "Let's have sex!"

Ritsuko began to back up to the elevator. "Uh, no thanks."

Gendo grabbed Ritsuko by the shoulders. "PLEASE!"

"Commander... are you alright?"

The Commander looked towards the floor. "NO! This is my last chance!"

Ritsuko turned towards the elevator. "Then you can go fuck Yui's dead body or something, otherwise you would be cheating on her."

Gendo's teary frown turned into a grin. "Hey, I never thought of that."

x-x-x-x-x

Toji precariously offered a potato chip to the viscous ducks. "It's a potato chip, see? It's not the best thing for diets, but it's still pretty nice." He tossed it to the floor and watched all of the ducks fight for it. They kicked it all over the place and it took them about five minutes to eat up the resulting crumbs. This could be useful for buying them time, but time for what? The two stooges and the random girl had no plan.

x-x-x-x-x

Unit-01, apparently satisfied with the amount of torture inflicted upon Misato, set her back down in the control room. However, the major didn't feel hurt because of how happy she was that an Evangelion touched her.

Hyuga felt euphoric because Misato was still alive. "YEAAAAAAAAAAHH!" He screamed. Maya blinked during her panic attack. "YEAAAAH! YEEEAHAAAHAHAHAAHAH!"

Hyuga went on a rampage throughout the Geofront because he still had someone to jack off to. He knocked over vending machines and overturned tables and chairs. "What the hell are you doing?" Some random tech asked him.

"Acts of happiness," Hyuga replied and laughed hysterically in his face and kicked him in the nuts.

The random tech cried hysterically while another random tech walked over, curious. Hyuga walked away from the scene. "So," the other random tech said, "are these acts of happiness contagious?"

"I THINK THEY ARE!" The random tech screamed. "ME AND MY ACHING BALLS FEEL LIKE THEY'RE ABOUT TO DEPART!"

The other random tech cringed. "Ouch, sucks for you." The random tech snarled and kicked the other random tech in the balls. He doubled over and began screaming. "ACTS OF PAIN!"

A janitor was walking down the hallway by the random tech and other random tech. He put a finger to his lips and hushed them. "Quiet, can't you see that other NERV staff are trying to work here?"

"SHUT UP!" The two techs screamed. A tear trickled down the janitor's face and he curled into a ball to begin crying a river.

All of the staff in the rooms nearby had heard the incident, stopped their work, and began trembling, afraid that they'd become the next victims of a foot to the balls (even if they didn't have balls).

Meanwhile, Gendo was attempting to fuck his desk.

Slowly but surely, the Geofront was losing it's sanity.

x-x-x-x-x

Fuyutsuki walked to the entrance of the Geofront which had ducks pecking at the door.

"So the Commander has become somewhat of a rapist," Fuyutsuki muttered to himself. "At this rate, by the end of the day, I'll be the only NERV employee with a sliver of sanity left."

"INCOMING!"

A hang glider smashed through the door, knocking Fuyutsuki backwards. Shinji and Rei got to their feet and ran as the ducks chased after them in hot pursuit.

"DUCKS!" Fuyutsuki laughed hysterically as ducks waddled across his face. "DUCKS! DUCKS! DUCKS! DUCKS!"

x-x-x-x-x

An alarm briefly rang out throught the Geofront. "The Geofront has been breached by ducks and maybe a hang glider. Please remain calm."

"THE DUCKS GOT IN?" A female tech screamed as she fainted.

"I don't want to know about the hang glider part," a male tech groaned.

The Geofront's sanity was taking a nosedive as ducks flooded in. Employees were passing out, laughing hysterically, falling to the floor and drooling, and kicking one another in vulnerable areas.

"Did the Geofront get exposed to radiation or something?" Shinji muttered as he passed by a pile of unconscious techs. The ducks were not far behind them. They had to reach the Eva cages soon, or things would continue to get downhill.

"Perhaps the current state of Tokyo-3 worried them," Rei guessed.

"I sure hope that's not what it was." If NERV collapsed because of things like this, then humanity was truly fucked.

Shinji followed Rei through the convoluted passages of the Geofront. They eventually made it to the Eva cages. In the control room, Ritsuko could be seen holding her hands to her ears and repeatedly screaming. Maya was rolling left and right idly, apparently too tired to keep crying hysterically. Hyuga was absent. Misato was dancing like she was having the time of her life... because she probably was.

Aoba stopped crying. "It's about time!" He blurted out. "BUT WATCH OUT!"

Unit-01 grabbed Rei in a fist. "I THINK IT LIKES YOU!" Misato cheered. Ritsuko stopped screaming for a moment to glare at Misato. Shinji could only stand there in horror as Unit-01 pulled it's fist back...

...and set Rei right inside of the entry plug of Unit-00. "Thanks," she said meekly.

"Goodie!" Misato said. "NOW WE CAN ACTUALLY KILL SOMETHING INSTEAD OF LETTING SOMETHING KILL US!"

Ritsuko frowned. "Looks like they pilots both have bandages now." She turned to the screen and saw that Sachiel had finally reached Tokyo-3. "Perfect timing. Here's what you need to do. One, kill the Angel. Two, find the source of the ducks and destroy it. Alright, Launch Unit-00!" Aoba obeyed and pressed some random untold button on his terminal. Unit-00 shot upwards.

Shinji watched Unit-00 on the screen. It hopped on one foot for about one hundred feet before falling forwards with a crash. "Rei?" Ritsuko snorted.

Rei frowned. "It's kind of hard to pilot Eva with only one hand."

Ritsuko said. "Well then, send up Unit-01! It should be some help to use since it's berserk!" Aoba complied and sent up Unit-01.

Unit-01 took a step and a half before deciding to stop being berserk. She then fell over right on top of Unit-00.

"Great," Rei said, being sarcastic for the first time in recorded history. "Now I can't move at all."

Ritsuko buried her face in her hands. "Just when I thought things were starting to go back uphill."

It was then that the ducks had caught up and marched into the Eva cages.

x-x-x-x-x

The aircraft landed at the grave site and Gendo stumbled out. He looked at the gargantuan array of grave markers. "Great. Now where did I bury Yui?..."

Gendo walked around for several minutes before he remembered that Yui was not actually buried here. She was absorbed into Unit-01.

"D'oh." Gendo climbed back onto the aircraft and it lifted off.

Rei bore enough resemblance, so she would suffice.

x-x-x-x-x

"Hurry, Shinji-kun!" Misato cried as he exited the Geofront. Many ducks had taken up pursuit and Unit-01's entry plug had been opened so Shinji could enter.

By the time Shinji reached Unit-01, he was breathless. He climbed up onto the Evangelion's back and entered the entry plug. The hatch shut closed behind him just as Sachiel loomed above the two Units.

Shinji managed to get Unit-01 to roll out of the way to let Unit-00 stand up again. Once 00 got to it's feet, it hopped for several hundred feet after Sachiel before falling down again. Shinji couldn't get Unit-01 to her feet at all.

A comm box with Ritsuko displayed on it opened in both Evas. "This just isn't working," she sighed. "There's no way either of you can beat Sachiel with one hand. We'll have better luck when the Evas are berserk. To make them berserk, try to piss them off."

Shinji blinked. "How are we supposed to do that?"

Ritsuko shrugged. "I don't know! Maybe something awesome will happen." She thought for a moment and an idea formulated in her head. "I got it! Misato, can you trip onto Maya's terminal the same way you did earlier today?"

The major shrugged. "I cannot guarantee the same results, but I'll simulate it as well as I can." She picked up the milkshake from where it had been kicked to the back of the room and dropped it in the same location it had originally been littered in. Misato backed up from the milkshake and began hopping towards the milkshake with both feet. She let out the telltale "WHOA!" as she went flying towards Maya's terminal. She smashed into it facefirst and groaned. Ritsuko applauded her.

Unit-00 did some sort of flip and landed on it's back. Unit-01 began to tap dance. Some text popped up on the screen inside of Unit-01. Shinji blinked. The text read, "Thank you for running Evangelion Super Express Tap Dancing Deluxe Edition Free Trial." The Eva continued to tap dance for a while until Sachiel got bored of it and decided to kick Unit-01, causing her to fall over.

Unit-00 decided to give up on Sachiel and turned to the matter of the ducks. It hopped for several hundred feet and fell over before finally getting back up again. The process repeated over and over again.

Ritsuko frowned. "Hmm. Try it again, Misato."

Misato repeated the process. When she slammed into Maya's terminal, an electrical crackle could be heard.

The faux blonde cringed. "Um, I think you broke something."

Maya stopped rolling around and glared at Ritsuko. "This is coming off of your paycheck, Sempai."

Ritsuko frowned. "But Maya!" She pleaded.

"No 'buts!' This was your idea in the first place."

Ritsuko groaned. "Fine, Maya. If you insist, I'll just-" Maya's terminal exploded on the thought and Unit-01 began to glow red. The Eva charged toward Sachiel and hugged it. "Aww," Ritsuko said, "beastiality." The entry plug was hastily ejected just a second before Unit-01 exploded along with Sachiel.

"Now, when I say this is coming out of your paycheck," Maya reminded Ritsuko, "Gendo would agree with me. Maybe SEELE would too." Ritsuko's frown turn into a pout.

Meanwhile, Unit-00 had found the source of all the ducks, which have covered almost the entirety of Tokyo-3. The ducks were all coming out of a large hole coated with metal. It was about 20 feet in diameter.

All it took was a stomp to make the whole thing collapse. The ducks began to fade out of existence.

x-x-x-x-x

Toji had run out of chips and the ducks were closing in for the final kill. "Defeat by the hand of ducks... Freaking unbelievable."

All of the ducks in the room disappeared.

Kensuke blinked. "Am I high?"

Toji shook his head. "You're not the only one."

Hikari smiled. "The door is open."

Kensuke and Toji ran outside of the classroom and then outside of the school. "FREEDOM!" They both shouted in unison.

x-x-x-x-x

D'oh.

Gendo remembered that Rei couldn't strip down and operate in the Dummy Plug System with all of her bandages.

Well, crap. Gendo would be going to sleep unsatisfied for one more night.

x-x-x-x-x

Sensei continued to show Tokyo-3 has wrath as he was the last one standing after the ducks and the Angel had fallen. At least until Inspector Kaji showed up. He put things quite bluntly: "You're mad with power, Sensei."

"Of course I'm mad with power!" Sensei blurted out. "Have you ever tried going mad _without_ power? It's boring! No one ever listens to you!"

Inspector Kaji nodded and poked Sensei in the ribs. "Uh oh," Sensei groaned. "I think I am dead." He collapsed to the ground, indeed dead.

Kaji blinked. "Wow, that actually worked?... I mean, THAT SERVES YOU RIGHT! MY JOB IS DONE HERE!" He walked away from the scene triumphantly, shaking a fist in the air. Sadly, nobody was around to see it.

x-x-x-x-x

Ritsuko smiled. "Thank you, Shinji. Thank you, Rei. Thank you for pulling us out of the deep shit. Well, somewhat, at least. NERV is going to have some trouble trying to recover from the recent impact of mental deterioration and all of the money that is going to be required to repair Unit-01."

"Hooray!" Shinji cheered, somewhat proud of his first attempt at piloting.

"Yes," Rei agreed in a deadpan manner.

Misato raised her head from Maya's damaged terminal. She had an evil gleam in her eyes. "FOR NOW," she said. For some reason, she got the feeling that a giant phallus was well on it's way to Tokyo-3.

Or maybe she was just having perverted thoughts.

x-x-x-x-x

The next day, Gendo woke up with a roaring yawn and stretched. Once he got up and went to the bathroom, he screamed when he realized something was missing.

"HOLY SHIT! SOMEONE RIPPED MY DICK OFF!"

x-x-x-x-x

**-A/N-**

**I am ultimately more satisfied with this chapter! The amount of insanity could have been a little bit greater, but I think it's good enough... FOR NOW.**


End file.
